Surviving the Holidays: Small Shifts for Less Stress and More Connection
An Introduction: This is a Process
Every year around this time, certain themes start showing up in my psychotherapy sessions. People talk about dreading specific gatherings, feeling pulled back into old roles, or bracing themselves for conversations they wish they could avoid. Others are surprised to realize how heavy the holidays still feel, even after they’ve done so much work on themselves. The following are a collection of pieces that tend to help most. These are ideas that come up often in therapy and that I’ve seen make holidays a little easier to navigate.
This isn’t meant to be a checklist that magically fixes everything. Most of what I’m sharing is simple to understand and hard to apply in real time. The point isn’t to get it perfect. The point is to give yourself a way to orient, to notice what’s happening around you and inside you, and to make choices that feel even ten percent closer to who you want to be. That small shift is meaningful. It’s how people slowly reclaim holiday experiences that used to feel overwhelming.
I’m not making an argument for staying in contact with certain family members or cutting people off. I’m also not here to project my values onto yours. This is simply a consolidation of the concepts that have consistently supported people, whether they’re current clients, folks on my waitlist, or people who follow along with my work online. If any of this resonates, take what fits and leave what doesn’t. My hope is that this gives you something steady to lean on as you move into the season.
Recognize Thoughts, Words, and Roles
Holidays are complicated. Even for people who typically feel like they have figured things out, these few weeks can stir up old patterns, expectations, and family dynamics in ways that feel exhausting. The first step to surviving them is a kind of mental reminder: thoughts are just thoughts, words are just words, and roles are just roles. You are not bound or defined by any of this.
Think about what I mean by roles. Maybe you notice yourself slipping into being the fixer, always offering solutions or advice. Maybe you are the peacekeeper, quietly absorbing tension to keep the room calm. Or maybe you are the quiet one, sitting back to avoid conflict. Simply noticing that you have assumed a role and naming it to yourself can be surprisingly liberating. You do not need to radically redefine yourself or perform differently. Awareness alone is often enough to reduce stress.
Shifting Expectations
The next layer is about expectations. Holidays are culturally painted as warm, joyful, and magical, but reality rarely matches that ideal. When families gather, disagreements, generational differences, and personal triggers inevitably come to the surface. Casual reminder that you do not need to directly solve racism, sexism, or political debates at the dinner table. That is not your job.
One strategy is to shift your expectations for yourself. Instead of trying to win conversations or manage everyone else's feelings, zoom out and notice the bigger picture. Generational divides have existed forever. People have always disagreed about how life “should” be. Imagine cave people arguing over whether to hunt in the valley or the forest, both convinced the other is ruining the tribe. Now picture early farmers insisting the crops would grow better if everyone followed their moon-cycle planting schedule. These generational debates have literally been happening since the beginning of time. That does not mean it is easy, but framing it as a pattern of human history rather than a personal attack can help you stay grounded.
It also helps to have comfortable conversation topics in your back pocket. If your family is not going to understand your career goals, or if they love to reminisce about your past in ways that feel outdated, having something neutral or light to talk about can keep you connected without getting stuck in conflict. Maybe you are trying a new hobby and can share a funny mishap. Maybe a cousin is into gardening, and you ask questions to genuinely engage them. Or you can tell a short story about a recent trip, an interesting recipe you tried, or even a small win at work. The point is not to dodge conversation entirely. It is to gently guide it toward topics that feel safe and satisfying.
Sometimes conversation itself is too big of an expectation. Not every gathering needs to be a marathon of meaningful dialogue or an exercise in finding common ground. Having activities available can take the pressure off everyone. Board games, puzzles, mad libs, or trivia can create structure and give people something to bond over without needing deep conversation. Normalize parallel play if there is not much in common. Adult coloring books are never the wrong choice, and a simple bingo game with a few small prizes somehow turns into an all-ages, no-politics event every single time. And honestly, here in the Midwest, far too many gatherings revolve around sitting around and drinking as the only entertainment option for adults. I am completely over it.
Protecting Your Energy
Even with strategies in mind, holidays can be draining. Protecting your energy is crucial. This does not have to be complicated or rigid. You can plan micro-breaks, stepping outside for a short walk, stretching, or just sitting quietly for a few minutes. Grounding exercises like noticing your breath, feeling your feet on the floor, or simply naming what you are feeling can help you reset before jumping back into the fray.
Self-talk can also be incredibly useful. Phrases like "I do not have to win this conversation" or "I am allowed to take a break and come back when I am ready" reinforce your ability to regulate yourself, even in moments that might feel tense or triggering.
Managing Awkward or Heated Conversations
Even the best-laid plans do not prevent awkward or heated exchanges. It is natural to feel flustered or unsure how to respond, but having a few strategies in mind can make a huge difference. One approach is acknowledge and redirect. A simple comment like "Well, that was awkward. Anyone need a refill on water or coffee?" or "Okay, that is enough politics for now. Who is up for a game?" both validates the tension and moves the focus forward.
Humor can also act as a gentle buffer. "I think we all need a palate cleanser after that one. Maybe some dessert?" is light and relatable, signaling a shift in tone without judgment. Sometimes boundaries are necessary. A simple statement such as "I am not really up for a debate today. Let's talk about something else." allows you to assert yourself without escalating conflict. The key is to keep it simple, calm, and neutral, giving yourself permission to redirect the energy in the room.
Feeling Seen and Emotional Reframing
One of the trickiest parts of family gatherings can be feeling unseen or misunderstood. Maybe relatives reference your past hobbies or achievements in ways that no longer fit your current life. Or they comment on choices that feel personal, like your career, relationships, or lifestyle. These moments can trigger frustration, sadness, or a sense of being overlooked.
A helpful perspective is that family members are often shooting in the dark when trying to connect. They may genuinely care but are unsure how to meet you where you are now. Reframing the experience can make a big difference. You might tell yourself: "I have grown and changed. They are just catching up." Or, "They care about me, even if they do not fully see me right now." By noticing the impact of their words without over-personalizing them, you maintain your emotional balance while still valuing the connection.
Tuning Into Yourself
Another important practice during the holidays is tuning into yourself on a deeper level. When something evokes a strong reaction, such as frustration, discomfort, or hurt, take a moment to pause and ask yourself why. Often, it is not just the words that are challenging, but what is left unsaid. For example, someone who usually advocates or speaks up may suddenly be silent because of the subtle pressures of family dynamics. A loved one might inadvertently align with cultural norms that feel contrary to their usual values. These moments can be confusing because the impact is indirect, coming through inaction or small gestures rather than direct commentary. Moments of disinclusion are often difficult to fully process in real time, which is why slowing down and clarifying your own thought process can be so helpful. Recognizing these patterns allows you to observe without over-personalizing, reducing stress while maintaining awareness and perspective.
Recognizing these patterns does not immediately solve the issue, but it can close the loop on stress. Observing and analyzing behavior through a cultural lens without shame, blame, or over-personalization helps depersonalize the moment and reduces the emotional charge. Over time, this practice has made moments that once felt painful far more manageable, providing insight without judgment and fostering connection rather than resentment.
Alcohol Awareness
Alcohol often accompanies holiday gatherings, and it is worth noticing how it is being used. There is a difference between drinking socially and drinking to cope with stress. If you want to enjoy a drink, that is fine, but being mindful matters. Strategies like alternating drinks with water, limiting consumption, or having a small plan for moments of tension can prevent alcohol from becoming a crutch rather than a choice. If you notice past patterns of overindulgence, treat yourself with self-compassion. Awareness alone can change how you respond next time.
A Closing Note: Finding Meaning and Manifesting Joy
No holiday will be perfect, and that is okay. The goal is small, meaningful improvements. Each step you take to tune into yourself, protect your energy, and notice what truly matters adds up, creating a season that feels lighter, more intentional, and closer to your own values.
As you move through the holidays, try to notice the small moments that feel good. It might be the taste of a familiar dish, a warm conversation with someone you genuinely like, or even just the quiet satisfaction of taking care of yourself in a way you didn’t last year. These moments of connection matter. They are the building blocks of community, and community is one of the most powerful forces we have for staying grounded, healing, and building a better world.
Let the season be an opportunity to reconnect with what feels meaningful to you. Maybe that is shared laughter, spiritual reflection, or simply the permission to step back and observe without getting swept into old dynamics. No moment is too small to count.
And if mindfulness has become your version of a guiding light, let it be the reminder that presence is often the real reason for the season. Whatever your holidays look like this year, may they bring you a little more clarity, gentleness, and choice than the year before.
🖤Kas
